not that i have that many friends or anything, but its like why do i even have any at all? they dont really like me all that much, they get annoyed with me really easily, and all of them are so different from me. i feel so different from everyone around me. i feel like i was put into circle of people where i am the only person like this. i feel so irrelevant. like i dont belong… ive never really felt like i belonged anywhere and i still dont. i dont really fit in to my family or my friends and im convinced that my boyfriend only loves the image hes made of me…. hes always telling me that im perfect and for some reason that scares the shit out of me. it makes me feel like he doesnt even know me because if he knew me, he would not say i was perfect… or at least thats what i think. i look around me and all my friends have so many more friends than me. they all have close friends outside of our circle and i just dont have that. i never really have had that many friends… always at least 1 or 2 but never many more than that. i dont really feel like ive ever even had a real true best friend because i was never somebody’s best friend… sure ive had best friends, but ive never been somebody’s best friend… they always had someone that trumped me in the best friend status. always. i constantly feel replaced by everyone around me. i often feel as if one day they just wont want to be friends with me at all anymore because they have just been putting up with me this whole time. maybe all of this just stems from trust issues and everybody feels like this. maybe not though. maybe im just paranoid. or maybe im right. its not that implausible. im not that much of an amiable person really, i mean i guess i can be nice and stuff, but how much of that does anybody really notice anyway? thats another thing. i always feel unnoticed. like nobody ever realizes anything i ever do. like i could just stop doing everything i do and nobody would realize it just like it took everybody about 5 months to realize i had stopped eating. i could do that again. maybe itd make me feel better. who knows? i just remembered why i made these rants so long when i used to do this alot… its because i dont really want anybody to read them once i post them because what is worse than all this stuff would be one of them seeing it and asking me about it… because they would not be asking out of caring about me… they would be asking out of curiosity and that is the worst thing ive ever experienced is someone asking about a post and when you tell them they are just like “oh, ok” and drop it. they obviously do not care, they just wanted to know for the sake of knowing. and thats the worst of all. ive rambled away from the topic of my rant about how i might as well not even have friends. well its because nobody ever really likes me or even knows me and i dont even fit in with anybody anyway so i might as well not even have friends because its just a waste of everybody’s time. i dont know what made me be like this but i hate it. i hate whatever did this to me. whatever made me doubt everything good in my life, whatever made me feel like i dont belong anywhere, whatever made me feel like im a fucking alien in my own life. i hate it. but, thats exactly what i am — an alien. i am some foreign creature unlike anybody here that people dont know what to do with because im so fucking weird and i dont have a place anywhere in my this world.
